Dallas is amazing and wonderful and has a lot to offer....but there are a few layers of this city that are less than awesome. (I say Dallas, but I mean both the city proper and usually the metroplex in general.) When we started thinking about a big move, we realized there are some things we will not miss AT ALL about living here:
1) The terrible coffee shops - most of the top-rated coffee shops in Dallas have execrable coffee. Terrible. I think Dallas natives don't actually know good coffee, as most coffee is fairly weak. The coffee shops people rave about usually have some flavor for a change, which tricks residents into thinking it's good. It's not good coffee. That flavor is boiled ass. The beans are too green or they are over roasted (ahem, Ascension). Another popular local coffee chain has the 'best lattes' in Dallas. You know why they are so good? They use full cream in the lattes instead of milk. (I'm looking at you, Pearl Cup.) Many of the popular coffee shops are popular because they have music or serve sandwiches. It's a pretty low bar for coffee when you can have a 'great' coffee shop because there's live music and snacks.
2) Klyde Warren Park - I have mixed feelings about Klyde Warren Park but let me tell you, I will not miss it. It is NOT a park. There are 2 strips of grass that are constantly being fixed because a) the soil they put in sucks b) this is Texas c) Dog Pee d) everyone wants to play on the fragile grass and it just doesn't work out. If you think it's supposed to be a park, you'll be pissed off when you go there. If you think of it as a food truck place with some tables and a really nice kid's area, you'll be happy. It's a cute space. There's a pavilion type thing for music, there's food truck, there are cute water features kids like to splash around in, there is an awesome playground set back from the street and food trucks, there's a cute book/game area with lots of books and games and a hot dog cart, there are fancy-ish restaurants where you can sit and people watch. Those are all nice things! They do not, however, make a park.I seriously want to grind my teeth when people call it a great park. The free yoga classes are a cute idea but guess where they are held? Yup. On the grass. Which is either full of dog pee or closed. The location is nice, right across from the Dallas Museum of Art and close-ish to the Perot museum, so a lot of field trips end up there, jacking up the food trucks. On the few nice days a year where being outside in the Dallas weather isn't literal torture, you can wait 40 minutes in line at your favorite food truck to eat at a tiny metal table in tiny metal chairs with no misters or heaters to help manage the temperature. But the food trucks really are good
3) Traffic - No joke, the traffic is ridiculous. There are accidents everywhere, all the time. You have to take 3 freeways to get out of Downtown to anywhere useful. The interchanges are always tiny and backed up. There is traffic on freeways, like 75, at almost any time of day and FOR NO REASON. Just slow. And on the Tollway, which used to be this amazing open speedway, there are now not enough lanes to handle the traffic to and from the suburbs and it's just painful. So painful. The worst part? You get casual drivers on these commuter freeways who don't know to stay right and who slow down on curves. THEY SLOW DOWN ON CURVES. These aren't switchbacks, it's like a gentle curve in the road and these filthy casuals slow down from MAYBE going 70 to 50, 55 on a curve. I just can't. Feeder freeways are often inexplicably closed or under construction for 7 years, making driving around DFW a total surprise adventure where you may be driving through 3 extra cities just to get from a to b.
4) Overhyped restaurants I'm worried this will happen in Portland, too. Your friends will rave about a place for months, even years. You will finally make it to this special eatery, dealing with Dallas traffic and a tiny parking lot (this is a driving city; very little public transport; WHY ISN'T THERE MORE PARKING?!) or a disinterested valet who adds little efficiency to the process only to have to wait for a table in a restaurant ill-equipped for waiting patrons and then get indifferently prepared food that is almost good. At least, that's what happened when we went to Bolsa. When we asked our friends why they rave about Bolsa they responded 'well it used to be good, it's really fallen down lately'. This is a common response. So then we ask if they still go there. Yes! We love it! They say. Side-eye.
5) Valet - Why are they valets so bad here? This is a city with a ton of money, nice cars, big tippers, and valets act like they don't remember their entire job is to take away cars and bring them back. I cannot even tell you how many times we have been ignored by valets. And we have nice cars! And we are nice TO the valets! It's very strange. And it takes forever. I'd rather park far away and walk, tbh.
6) Heat - If you don't live here, you literally cannot imagine. It's oppressive. You start sweating 2 minutes after you step outside. It is NOT a dry heat. Dallas may not be as humid as Houston or Florida but trust me, if you're from CA or Nevada, you will think you are being slapped in the face with an oven wrapped in a clothes steamer. You will get heat rashes and heat stroke. You can't enjoy Taste of Dallas in the summer because you cannot eat with it is 105 outside and the food is hot too. You want to eat and drink on the super cute restaurant patios but you know there are not enough misters in the world to make it bearable. You will want to hike around White Rock Lake on a beautiful summer day but you have to be done by 10am because then God turns on the big Texas heat lamp of death and you have to run inside before your skin fries and your face melts off. Also, makeup? You will have 10,000 tricks to get your makeup to stay on all day at work and they will be marginally successful 67% of the time and they will ruin your skin. Did I mention it's hot?
7) Plastic Surgery - Try not to stare. It's not just boobs and lipo. You will see some weird, weird things here on people's faces, especially in certain neighborhoods of Dallas itself and, to a lesser extent, specific suburbs (Southlake, Plano). Puffy lips. Carved faces. Faces oddly stretched and elongated. Lots and lots of shiny botox. You will really wonder what look they were going for - alien sex cat seems to be popular
8) Conservatives - And boy, are they loud and obnoxious about it. And judgey. Either be prepared to argue a lot or do what I did after a few years, which is to shut down completely and just never talk to people about anything that matters. Your sanity will thank you.
9) Sexism - I think I covered this in an earlier blog post so let me just give one recent example that REALLY shows you what I mean: We had moving companies come give us full-service move estimates. My husband and I were both home. I tend to be the decision maker in our marriage and my husband was on a call so I was talking to the very nice moving company gentleman about which things were going and some additional details. My husband gets off his work call and walks into the living room and the moving estimator literally stops talking to me mid-sentence and then addresses every question and remark to my husband from then until he left
10) SUVs and Trucks Everywhere - Most families have at least 1 SUV or Truck. This is true even if they don't have kids and live in an apartment in the middle of the city. Go to any parking lot in the metroplex and it will be 70% trucks and SUVs. Let me repeat - this includes people who have no functional requirement for a large vehicle. People who don't have houses, or don't work on their houses, or have farms, or kids, have large vehicles just in case they need to haul stuff around. Texas is very much into doing things yourself or always being able to haul things around, so you need to be prepared at all times to do these things even if you outsource all your house services and have nothing to haul around and get everything delivered. This is an actual thing. We went to Portland and then Europe and saw people living the exact same lives with tiny vehicles and getting along just fine. In fact, in Portland people were hauling around sports equipment and recreational gear strapped to their tiny cars!! And it worked! Wtf, Texas?
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