One Night in Dallas

Last night we decided to go out to dinner at one of our favorite upscale local restaurants in downtown Dallas. On a random Tuesday night we were easily able to get a table without a reservation, especially since we were going a bit after primetime for a downtown place.

We weren't exactly dressed for a nicer restaurant, but you can often get away with that in Dallas as long as you have some of hallmarks of respectability. For example, I was wearing a dress that was passable, but had changed into flip-flops earlier in the evening. My husband was wearing jeans, but had a nice sport coat on. That kind of thing.

I don't know if this is true everywhere, but downtown restaurants in the big D are always darkly lit. I guess it's supposed to add ambiance but frankly, on a beautiful late summer night with an actually tolerable temperature and some daylight remaining in the sky, I'd rather not feel like I'm eating in a dark theater. At the same time of day in almost any restaurants outside of downtown and you won't find such a cloying lack of light. It's even worse at lunch - blue sky days with bright sun, and a grimly dark lunch. But the food is usually worth it, in case you're wondering why we even go. SO WORTH IT.

As we sat at our table, waiting for the menus, I realized how many of the things I was noticing as I people-watched seemed particularly Dallas-y. I've lived here for 15 years and there are certain things about Texas, and Dallas especially, that just became my new normal after two years or so. Now that we've made the decision to move, and went and spent some time in our new chosen future home city, my Dallas glasses are coming off.

Heavy-set white men with thin blonde women
Most of the tables were full of men. Downtown, after work, mid-expensive restaurant - this is where men with expense accounts go to enjoy themselves and their food. This isn't a 'scene' restaurant, so the late 20s early 30s crowd isn't interested. These are older men, usually 3-4, with a thin blonde woman with very Dallas hair. On this particular evening the two tables closest to us were populated each with 3 white men and 1 white blonde woman (thin). Not all the men were heavyset - one of the tables looked like a mix of coworkers/ages/fitness - but most were. Why am I making a point about this? Because in Dallas, if you're a man, under 35 you need to be fit; 35-40 it's ok to let go a little bit; 40+, it doesn't matter, you have money. But for women, that obviously isn't true. In this crowd, and especially as you go up the income bracket, if you're a woman and you get older you better get blonder and thinner every year.

Waiters who aren't used to women taking the lead
I have a more aggressive personality than my husband. I tend to take the lead. Since we live in the South (don't let a Texan hear that; this is Texas, NOT THE SOUTH), I realize that me taking the lead all the time is seen as emasculating my husband. I don't want him to feel that way, even subconsciously; I don't want other people treating him that way. This is an actual thing I think about because I love my husband and we live in a place that isn't super accepting of non-traditional dynamics. Case in point: If I am not paying attention and I take the lead in any way, such as being the one to flag down the waiter or, depending on where we are, even ordering for myself - the waiter tends to get thrown off his game and doesn't know how to deal with us the rest of the night. I wish I were kidding, and I wish this didn't happen at least weekly. It does.

Wallflowers and Try-Hards
This dynamic has been covered by smarter, more educated women, so I'm just going to mention it and move on - the women who are in groups with these Dallas men, 90% of the time, fall in one of these two categories. Either they are sitting there looking pretty and keeping their mouths shut (table 1, to our left, with Peter Jackson's twin eating an impressive amount of ceviche), or they are dominating the conversation in their attempts to prove the are just one of the guys (table 2, to our right, with Banking Lady who told everyone 5 times she paid for her own engagement ring.) I'm sorry, ladies, that you are in a situation where these are the easiest choices.

The Entertainment
This isn't a thing that we witnessed on this particular night, but it's a thing I see all the time. Depending on the work crowd, a lot of times a younger woman is brought along who is the informal entertainment. She looks pretty, she tells funny stories, and no one listens to her when actual work is being discussed. She may not know this is her role but she can recall the sinking feeling in her stomach when she states her thoughts, facts, opinions about work and the men around her act as if she has not spoken. She may not say it this way but she definitely starts to get the message; she is being trained to be the entertainment, not an actual respected contributor.

Dallas is not a terrible place. It is, however, filled with soft sexism. If you are not a wallflower, a try-hard, or the entertainment, many professional men look at you as if you are a fish riding a bicycle. I know women who aren't held back by this. I know women who will say, not the men I work with. I know women who ignore it and do what they want anyway; I know women who are lucky or skilled enough to work with men they've either re-trained or who aren't as tied to these stereotypes. To those women, I want to say, help your sisters out. Recognize that if you aren't experiencing this, you are privileged. Not every other woman in the working world has your ability to tune out this crap, or the strength or thick skin every day to get through it, or the education or intelligence to know when it's happening and what to do about it. For everyone one of you professional women in Dallas who says 'not me', there are 99 others who are being ignored, disrespected, shut out, told they are wrong - 99 others whose voices aren't heard and who are slipping away from being able to make their mark in this world, in their world, at work.

This started out as a post of things I recognize about Dallas that are different. Yes, soft sexism is everywhere. But having lived in California and worked there, and then being immersed in Dallas, I can say that the South has much more institutionalized gender roles that impact working relationships and interpersonal dynamics. Three days in Portland reminded me it isn't as bad everywhere. My first job after moving to Texas was a glass of cold water to the face when during my second week I asked where everyone was going to lunch and they looked shifty and finally said 'the dollar store'. I was one of 2 women in this tech department and the guys were going to a strip club for lunch. Welcome to Texas.